


What makes a human?

by Toringo



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alien Benrey, Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author Projecting onto Benrey (Half-Life), Author is aroace themself, Benrey Is Not Human, Bittersweet Ending, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gordon is supportive friend Benrey deserves fight me, Internalized Aphobia, Nonbinary Benrey (Half-Life), Other, Post-Canon, Queerplatonic Relationships, Self-Hatred, They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), aroace Benrey (Half-Life), benrey has dermatillomania, but it's just slightly mentioned, romance repulsion, unintentional self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26261353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toringo/pseuds/Toringo
Summary: So yes, they took interest in mortals' relationships but they just couldn't understand them - as if something wasbroken within them.They felt so many emotions but ironically couldn't feel the right ones - the ones they've heard made humans what they were. But it was probably their fault- they never tried hard enough, they didn't want to try, to be honest. But the fact that they couldn't feel that, even if theywanted, left them desperate. It was lonely to live amongst humans. They lived, laughed andlovedand all that crap.But Benrey was stuck on the thin line between life and death; when they laughed it made the ground shake and when they loved... they didn't do it the right way it seemed.
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman
Comments: 15
Kudos: 94





	What makes a human?

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for:  
> \- Self Loathing/internalized aphobia (specifically arophobia)  
> \- Thoughts of death  
> \- Dermatillomania (Skin Picking) - unintentional  
> \- Mentions of gender dysphoria  
> Please let me know if there's something more in this fic that you think I should add here.

If Benrey's learned anything throughout the years they've been living on Earth it was that humans were weird. They were never particularly interested in learning anything about this strange species (another thing they were sure of was that they hated earthlings, with few small exceptions) but some of their more particular behaviors were more than fascinating.   
For example - humans mated for life, except for when they didn't. They were starved for physical affection unless they weren't.   
They were monogamous, but sometimes they just... wouldn't stick by. They were strange and their mating rituals were way too complicated for Benrey, who might've lived longer than the planet they were stuck on even existed but it didn't change the fact that they were not made to live there.   
  
So yes, they took interest in mortals' relationships but they just couldn't understand them - as if something was _broken within them_.  
They felt so many emotions but ironically couldn't feel the right ones - the ones they've heard made humans what they were. But it was probably their fault- they never tried hard enough, they didn't want to try, to be honest. But the fact that they couldn't feel that, even if they _wanted_ , left them desperate. It was lonely to live amongst humans. They lived, laughed and _loved_ and all that crap. But Benrey was stuck on the thin line between life and death; when they laughed it made the ground shake and when they loved... they didn't do it the right way it seemed. Maybe it was because the whole emotion was connected to some others they had different problems with. Desire, lust, or whatever it was called - _that one_ , they thought, they could train themselves to feel.  
They could shapeshift, create something there wasn't before - when they did it turned out it only filled them with some strange sense of disgust and sadness, not what they expected. No matter what they tried, nothing seemed to fit.   
  
Maybe that was okay though, sex has always seemed more funny than attractive to them. _Jokes were funny_ , but as soon as it turned into something real they were done for. When they met Gordon they wanted to feel all they couldn't like they never did before- at least they thought that was the case. They certainly were warm with care and giggly joy whenever they talked with him. They wanted to get closer and hear his laugh. They wanted to hold his hand and they felt deep green envy when they've heard about his ex. They wanted his attention. But that still wasn't it. They couldn't tell this differed from how they treated Tommy - they were territorial and when they claimed something, or someone, as theirs this person would be theirs. But that wasn't _Love_. Not in this specific mating way at least.  
  
They didn't mind Feetman having someone as long as he paid attention to them - they didn't care if he liked them romantically. The thought of him hating them hurt but the thought of him seeing them as an object of interest wasn't that flattering either. Benrey had to be really broken if an attractive man they liked didn't make them feel the right thing. If he didn't - who would? They wondered about that when he embraced them for the first time and when they started sharing a bed. _They wondered about it now_ , as they cuddled with him. This should not be platonic. Why was it when Benrey liked Gordon's... well, everything? They were laying in his damn bed with their head on his warm human chest and with his hands around them but they yet again were content, perfectly content with it and it drove them crazy.   
  
Maybe they should just finally take action instead of waiting? Maybe it was all just because they were a coward and were just losing time on complaining instead of taking something that could turn out amazing? The thought excited them - maybe with this all small things all their problems would disappear.  
With that they sat up, making Gordon grumble in irritation, it wasn't the best thing, doing it to someone half asleep but they still leaned down. Gordon's eyes widened for a second but he allowed the alien to continue as they pressed their lips into his.   
  
The position was awkward, but not entirely unpleasant. The scientist seemed quite enthusiastic as he slowly responded to the kiss, in delicate movements still fogged with sleep. It was sweet and long and left Benrey with a lasting feeling of bitter disappointment. Gordon smiled up at them when they broke the contact and suddenly the bitterness was replaced with _guilt_ \- they wanted to smile back with the same adoration in their eyes. But they had to watch as the emotion turned to confusion and embarrassment- anger? - when the man noticed their expression.  
  
"What's with you, man? You kissed **me** and now you're making faces? Is this some sick fucking joke?" Benrey flinched, Freeman wasn't wrong - they fucked up.  
  
"Uh, yeah, you got pranked by your great friend Benny. Top ten Feetman epic fail moments, goes right to the top of the comp." They answered blandly.  
  
"Well! _Excuse me_ , I have yet to learn how to properly kiss back when I wake up to someone devouring my face! **You** have no right to complain about me being a bad kisser!" The scientist huffed and covered himself with the blanket, tightly. Benrey felt sick. The anomaly didn't answer, there was a moment of pregnant silence that hung between them making it almost hard to breathe in the heavy atmosphere.  
  
"Was it..." they could hear Gordon's muffled voice. "Was it that bad?" He finally asked.  
  
"No! Uh... it was..." what was the word? "Wet..." The physicist snorted.  
  
"Kisses usually are."  
  
"Why do even people like them?" They wondered out loud, it wasn't a good thing to say as Gordon's expression instantly turned serious.  
  
"Are you okay, man? You're acting off..."  
  
"Whuh?" There was a sigh.  
  
"Listen, we can't just go on like that when you're giving me a cold shoulder. C'mon, talk to me, that's something you're good at."  
  
"It wasn't like, uh, bad y'know- just, uh. Like." They took a while to think about it. How to describe this?  
  
"Benrey?" It wasn't the worst thing but it didn't change the fact that they hated it. "Benrey."  
  
"Wha?" Gordon sighed again.  
  
"You listening?" They forced themselves to nod. "Good. Listen, man." He put his prosthetic hand on their shoulder, just to emphasize what was to be said next. "I have no darn idea what's going on in this head of yours but it's fine. I'm not... I am not angry or anything, you just took me by surprise..."  
  
"What are you- I don't- I don't know what you're talking about, Feetman. I-" they looked away. "Sorry for leading you on. It's..."  
  
"What?" He laughed, sounding a little shocked. "Dude, you didn't 'lead me on' you're fine! It's... you're just... not... into this are you?" They looked at him, he was looking at them too. And for the first time they had a feeling that he really... saw them as they were. And they were disgusting. They turned they head away.  
  
"It's... I'm not a human. I am... not... I don't fucking- it's like you bought some cheap ass MOKIA™️ from like- uh, Amazon or shit and expected it to- to have fucking... LoL mobile on it even tho it's a Nokia flip phone rip off from 2006 - I just... don't have... all the apps Ig. Uh and... and even if I had them! Even if... they wouldn't work because there is no- no internet connection and it freaking _sucks_ bro!" They scratched at their palm, nails digging shallowly into their skin. They didn't notice it hurt until Gordon took their paw in his hands to stop them from causing even more damage. "I... think I know what you mean? I'm not sure, but... I think so." He was uncertain but gentle as he slowly squeezed their hand.  
  
"And I think you're... you're plenty human." They really were not.  
  
"Clearly! You-you didn't understand what I said then!" They snapped, forcing their paw out of his grasp. "I don't- I CAN'T feel what you do!"  
  
"I know."  
  
"I can't- can't make myself! I can be **BAD** \- I can pretend to be angry and all the shit, but I don't even KNOW how this bullshit is supposed to feel like!" The sweet taste of jealousy and desperation filled their mouth, escaping in colorful waves. They tasted rot on their tongue. Their shoulders were tense and something hot dripped down their face. It was humiliating and only made them loathe this situation even more.  
  
"Love is... it's not what makes you human." The physicist said suddenly. That caught their attention. "It's certainly not a thing that makes someone a good person. Often it's not. It... doesn't even... make you happy in all cases." They sniffed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"And like... love is not only this... it doesn't have to be like. Relationship-love. The romantic stuff y'know. You get my drift?" They absolutely did not, and he probably noticed that because he slowly massaged his temples.  
" _You're not lesser for not feeling it._ " He emphasized every separate word. Benrey sniffed.  
  
"But..."  
  
 _But I am_ , they wanted to say.  
 _But I can't give you what you want_ , was another thought.  
 _But you will soon find someone else and leave me alone because they'll be more important to you than some weird friend of yours._  
 _But everyone will have a partner sooner or later, and I will be by myself._   
_But I'm being selfish...  
_  
"And there are... they are people who are like you. And... and you have friends. Science Team... Tommy, Darnold... and well, me."  
Yes... Benrey had them all. And they would lose them. They would outlive them all - well, maybe not Tommy - and they wouldn't even be able to spend as much time with them as possible. They would watch from afar as they all wilt and die and rot and rot and **rot**. But they would rot together. And Benrey will be forgotten and unimportant, a secondary character in this shitty fucking game.  
  
"Friendship is not some lesser kind of love y'know? You are _NOT_ lesser."   
"You... said that already Feetman. What are you? Bro- broken record, huh?" They choked out.  
  
"Good! I will repeat it as many times as I need to till it gets through this thick skull of yours!" He knocked on their helmet, and they snorted through tears. Gordon smiled.  
"I will not abandon you." He said and he seemed so genuine their whole body shook with another sob. "I will not... I won't leave you. It will all be alright." Tears didn't stop pouring. "Can I... Benrey, can I hug you?" They nodded. The feeling of his hands around them was still so pleasant and warm. Still not in the right way.  
  
"You know you matter to me, right?" They've heard. They nodded to that too, only because they wanted to believe it was true. "I know it's hard but we will... we'll work on it, okay?" They agreed just like they did before, hiding their face in his shoulder. His shirt would probably be soaked in a moment if they didn't move. He pulled them closer to himself.  
It was warm. It was calm and tight and reassuring. And Benrey felt loved and they loved back - maybe it was the wrong kind of love, maybe they still felt sick because of it.   
But at that moment they couldn't seem to care, because they _felt it_.


End file.
